On April 16, 2018 I found out I was pregnant with our first child(ren)–twins, though we didn’t know this at the time. 28 days later, on May 14, 2018, I found out both pregnancies had failed at only 6 weeks and we were headed toward an inevitable miscarriage. This letter to my two precious babies–who probably did not survive long enough to even have a heart beat–captures my emotions, my pain, and my faith through the following days and weeks…
To my never-born babies,
This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I had carried you inside me for two months before I learned you weren’t there anymore. “I don’t detect any sign of a heartbeat…” the doctor’s words seemed to echo through the room as your daddy held my hand tightly and we processed the news.
I want you to know how much you were wanted. The first news of your existence was unexpected, but before I even knew you were there I wanted you more than I could admit. When the pregnancy test came back positive, I felt nothing but joy. In that very moment, you made me a mom. I did everything I could to protect you and keep you safe. I tried to learn everything there was to know about how to care for you and meet all of your needs while you grew. But I never needed help learning how to love you. I loved you from the moment you were a thought inside my head. In fact, I knew right away that I didn’t just want a child. I wanted you. I wanted both of you with all my heart. And some people thought I was crazy, but I knew there were two of you from the beginning. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew you were twins and I loved you both so much. Daddy loved you too. I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me. We aren’t perfect people, but we were your first parents and we wanted you more than anything in the world.
Chromosomal abnormalities. That’s the phrase they use to explain why you couldn’t stay with us. It means that the building blocks that make up this world are broken. It means the pieces of DNA that daddy and I tried to give you were flawed. I’m so sorry you had to be created in this broken world. You never even had a chance. The good news is, daddy and I are servants of the best Father in the universe. He lives in a better world—where things aren’t broken and even very broken things can be restored. He knew you wouldn’t be okay in this place with all our brokenness, so He took you away from us and adopted you as His own. I know that He will repair the broken pieces we gave you and make you whole again. He will raise you as His own and form you in His own image. That’s just the kind of Father He is.
As a mother, I couldn’t want anything better for you both. You will be happy and healthy and whole. You can love each other, and love your Heavenly Father, even better than I can. I hope you will grow up playing together, running around your beautiful perfect world, laughing and exploring side by side. Someday, daddy and I will have our broken pieces fixed also and our whole broken world will be made new. When that happens, I hope you will come find us so I can finally hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you.
In the meantime, I will never stop loving you. You are my children and I am so grateful for the short time I was granted to care for you. Even though you are far away from me, you will always be my babies. You will always be the babies that made me a mother for the first time and I will never forget you.
I wish I didn’t have to feel the emptiness of living without you; but I’m so glad that you will never have to experience that sort of emptiness. You get to grow up in a place with no pain or tears or heartache. You will spend your whole lives knowing only love. You are the lucky ones. We will be counting down the days until we see you again and feel the joy and happiness you will feel each day of your lives. Please tell Father that we don’t blame Him for taking you away. We know He was just doing what was best for you. Give Him a hug for us and don’t forget to thank Him for taking such good care of you.
Goodbye for now. I miss you so much already, but I will see you again soon.
“For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from you
When I was made in secret,
When I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
All my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.
God, how difficult Your thoughts are for me to comprehend;
How vast their sum is!
If I counted them, they would outnumber the grains of sand;
When I wake up, I am still with you.”